I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
