I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
