I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
