Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
