i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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