that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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