I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
