Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
