The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize