you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
