evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
