I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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