I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
