After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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