her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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