I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
