Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
