We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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