You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize