I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
