omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
