woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
