Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
