She is in my trunk
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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