Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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