I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
