oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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