Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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