Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
