She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
