i think my mom watched the whole time
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
