before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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