My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
