I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
