K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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