You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
