Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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