it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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