We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
