when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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