I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
