Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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