i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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