ya dads aren't the best wingmen
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
