So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Four minutes until I can fart!
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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