did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
