i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
