We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just had sex on a roof
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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