No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Randomize
