What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
