Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
