Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
