How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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