I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just found puke in my bra..
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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