i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
