there's paper in my vomit.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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