The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
