No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
