She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
