Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
