my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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